Unfortunately sexual abuse within marriage is an issue that many women face, usually in silence. The silence may last for years, as confusion and bewilderment create a tangled web of doubt. Is this abuse? Is this normal? Does this happen in every marriage? Is this what sex is all about? Is my spouse normal? Should intimacy hurt, emotionally and physically?
These are questions that many women ask themselves but few find answers. Who can you turn to when your pain in at the center of the most intimate part of yourself and your marriage? Sex is talked about openly in movies, talk shows, and in music, but no one talks about their sexual relationship within marriage. Once a couple is marriage, it is assumed that all is well in the bedroom and that no one needs to bring to light what happens in a couple’s sex life.
When I had been married about 7 years, I asked an older friend that I trusted if it was normal to feel pain and bleed after intercourse. Her eyes grew big and the expression of alarm on her face told me that no, it was not normal. The conversation ended quickly and I didn’t have the courage to go any deeper with my concerns.
Today, many years later, I’m in another place, a healthy place, in a healthy marriage, and my desire is to reach out to women who are hurting, looking for someone they can open up to and share their pain, ask the tough questions, and evaluate where to go from here.
I’m here for you.
D. Anne
Freedom from an Abusive Marriage 
I hate sex with my husband because it’s the “Wham, Bam, I don’t care how you feel” type of sex…so I stopped having sex with him 10 weeks ago after reading Leslie Vernicks book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage”
I’ve always felt it was my “duty” to “provide” for my husbands sexual needs…and in the process, denying MY need for love, safety, trust and respect.
I felt used, not loved…and it has caused me to detach from my husband…and he knows this and refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong in our marriage.
So now I have to take care of myself, and I’m taking steps to do that.
Thank you for you honesty, Dee Anne…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lonelywife,
I too felt that it was my duty to provide for my husband’s sexual needs, but one day I realized that it was my duty to provide for “normal” needs and healthy needs. When he began to pressure me to do things I did not feel comfortable with, or went ahead with what he wanted in spite of my opinions, I realized that this constituted abuse.
I SO wish husbands understood that sex can be awesome and beautiful when they love their wives and provide the safety and protection they so much crave! When a wife feels loved and protected, she is more than willing and even initiates sex with her husband. I have started another blog on this topic with the goal of educating husbands on how to approach sex with their wives…this involves loving her, caring for her, refraining from hurting her, and knowing how to approach the topic with the right words.
The blog is “Not Tonight Honey” and I would appreciate your comments and thoughts.
Be well and know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!
LikeLike
I have come to the conclusion that couples need to have a conversation about sex before they get married, just like discussing how many kids they will have, where they will, or what religion they will practice as a family (or raise the kids in). Sex is such an important part of a healthy relationship that it is crucial for partners to have an understanding of the expectations they each have for each other. For people who wait until marriage, this will be trickier, because you haven’t yet learned what you want and need, but for others, discussing how often they would expect to have sex, the best times, the things to avoid, can be really helpful. It is a chance to understand what each person wants and needs and to respect them in their desires.
This advice only works for healthy relationships, of course. I’m glad you found your way to a better, happier marriage. Thank you for sharing your story.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A.M.,
I agree with you as far as couples discussing sex before they get married, but unfortunately people tend to put on their best face when they’re dating and engaged. The dark realities seem to slowly become evident over the course of the next few years.
As you said though this works for healthy marriages, but for marriages where one partner is a narcissist or sex addict, a conversation prior to marriage won’t even touch the troubles that lie ahead.
I do premarital counseling and I always include a couple of sessions on the topic of sex and it is healthy to discuss this before the couple gets married.
Thank you for reading and commenting! I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts on future posts.
LikeLike